Why Good Leaders Get Defensive, and How to Stop | Free Live Session with Deano Sutter

You already know this moment

It happens before you decide anything.

Nobody sees the pressure. They only see what comes out of your mouth.

01 · AT WORK
Someone barely opens their mouth about your work and you’re already in a 3‑point stance, ready to defend it.

In your headThat’s not what happened.

What they seeDefensive.
02 · AT HOME
It starts with the dishes. 10 minutes later it’s World War III, and it was never about the dishes.

In your headI didn’t do anything wrong.

What they seeHard to talk to.
03 · WITH FAMILY
One comment from your mom, your brother, your partner, and you’re 15 again.

In your headI know what I’m doing.

What they seeCan’t take feedback.

You knew better. It happened anyway.

If knowing fixed it, you’d have stopped by now. What you don’t retrain, you reinforce. Every repeat makes it stronger.

Your repeated reactions become your reputation.

Meet The Defender

The Defender wants one thing: agreement.

What it believes

“If I defend myself, you’ll change your mind.”

Here’s the problem. The moment you get defensive, they stop listening. You’ve lost the plot.

Watch two friends argue about politics. One gets defensive, so the other one does. The walls go up. Now both are fighting to be right, not to understand each other.

Most of us just want to be seen, heard and understood. You can’t get any of that from a defensive posture.

When you get defensive, you’ve already lost.

The 8 Pressure Reflexes

The Defender rarely shows up alone.

Pressure Reflexes show up on their own or in combinations. The Defender often brings The Overexplainer with it. In the session you’ll see all 8, and how they play together.

This sessionThe DefenderDefends.
The OverexplainerExplains until you agree.
The People PleaserKeeps everyone happy.
The Fortress BuilderCreates distance.
The Short-CircuiterShuts down.
The DodgerAvoids it.
The RingmasterTakes control.
The PerformerProves itself.

Why knowing isn’t enough

If knowing was enough, you’d already do it.

Knowing isn’t the issue. Information isn’t the issue. You can go to ChatGPT or Claude for that.

The issue is that it shows up before you have a chance to think. That’s why you know what to do 15 minutes later.

Decades of training and programming built emergency responders.

Not casual responders. Not drinks-for-happy-hour responders. Emergency responders.

A signal goes out that says this is an emergency. They show up quick, fast and furious, and do exactly what they are built to do.

They aren’t coming in to see how you’re doing, or what’s best for the situation. They come in banging down doors.

You want that in a real emergency. Most of the time, it’s a false alarm.

And if you do nothing, you reinforce it. It fires quicker and faster.

The calibration has to change.

What you’ll walk away with

In 60 minutes, you’ll get:

Why it happens before you can think.Your brain learned to see certain situations as dangerous.
What your defensiveness is protecting.A trigger is a gift. It tells you what you value. Most people never find that out.
Which Pressure Reflexes show up for you.Defensiveness may not be the only one.
What it’s costing you.At work, at home, and in your reputation.
What it takes to retrain it.Catching it isn’t the same as changing it.

Free · Thursday, October 8 · 1:00 PM Central / 2:00 PM Eastern / 11:00 AM Pacific

In their words

Leaders who did the work.

“Weeks prior, in the same situations I was feeling inadequate, defensive, and stressed. No more of that.”

Andrew PettitStrategic Advisor & Board Member, Palantir alum
“Deano’s approach to coaching has pushed me beyond my previous limits for personal growth and career achievement many times and helped focus me on healthy personal and business relationships.”

Gary PearlExecutive Producer, “Jane the Virgin”
“That transformation alone has already repaid the coaching fee many times over.”

Bryan VoughtBiology Leader, Organoid + Stem Cell Innovation

Your host

Deano Sutter

Founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System

“Your reactions may not be who you are on the inside, but they’re what people will remember about you from the outside.”

Most people think they have a knowledge, strategy or execution problem. Nope.

You have a recalibration problem.

I’ve done this work with executives for almost a decade. It’s also how I got through taking care of my mom, the story many of you followed on LinkedIn.

Before you sign up

Fair questions.

Is this a sales pitch?

Most of the hour is the work, and it stands on its own. At the end, I’ll tell you about the Intensive I’m running in October, for anyone who wants help retraining it, not just catching it. It’s optional.

What if defensiveness isn’t my thing?

Then something else is. Maybe you shut down, over-explain, or say yes when you mean no. You’ll see all 8 Pressure Reflexes and figure out which ones show up for you.

Is this about work or home?

Both. The same reaction shows up in every room you walk into.

Do I have to share anything?

No. The chat is there if you want it. Nothing is required.

Will there be a replay?

Yes, for everyone who registers.

What do I need?

Zoom, a pen, and 2 moments from this last week where you reacted in a way you’d prefer not to. You snapped, you shut down, you got mad, whatever it was.

One live session

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Oct8Thursday

1:00 PM Central
2:00 PM Eastern · 11:00 AM Pacific
60 minutes, live on Zoom
Free

Bring 2 moments from this last week where you reacted in a way you’d prefer not to. You won’t have to share them.

Join me live

Free. Just your name and email. You add it to your calendar on the next page.